What’s in a Word: Hilarious Voice Dictation Errors

Everyone’s had their share of funny results while using voice dictation, but I’ve been dictating my books for years—long before Siri was even born—and I’ve kept a running list of my favorites along the way. Today I thought I’d share some of them with you.  Enjoy! (But be forewarned, several are a bit racy…)

From A Quarter for a Kiss:

What I said:        We had dinner at the Full Moon Buffet.

What it wrote:    We had dinner at the phlegm buffet.

From Shadows of Lancaster County:

What I said:        Lydia and Gordon are in the barn.

What it wrote:    Chlamydia and gonorrhea in the barn.

From Under the Cajun Moon:

What I said:        The sky was a beautiful shade of purple pink

What it wrote:    This guy was a beautiful shade of purple pink

What I said:        Is this the home of Ben Rogers?

What it wrote:    Is this the home of Bin Laden?

What I said:        I could hear the sound of Travis’s breathing.

What it wrote:    I could hear the sound of Travis breeding.

What I said:        Whether my veins were coursing with venom or not

What it wrote:    Whether my veins were coursing with Vietnam

What I said:        Suck out the venom, don’t suck out the venom

What it wrote:    Suck out with a numb, don’t suck up to them

What I said:        Chitimacha Indians

What it wrote:    Sh*t and watch the Indians

What I said:        Fifi

What it wrote:    see feet  (I kept trying and got:)

defeat

TV thief

the beef

be PPP

PPTP

What I said:        “What have you got there? Sazeracs?”

What it wrote:    “What you dare? the senator asked?”

From Secrets of Harmony Grove:

What I said:        I spotted three Amish children.

What it wrote:    I spotted three ominous children.

From Echoes of Titanic:

What I said:        numerous disasters that had befallen her

What it wrote:    bloomer disasters that had befallen her

From Beauty to Die For:

What I said:        He's been charged with Simple Assault.

What it wrote:    He's been charged with Simple Salt. 

What I said:        Why was this guy staring like that? She wondered if it had something to do with her or if it was...

What it wrote:    Why was this guy staring like that? She wondered if it had something to do with her orifice...

What I said:        Sliding the last bite of food into her mouth, Didi chewed, swallowed, and dabbed at her lips with the cloth napkin.

What it wrote:    Sliding the last bite for food Intermountain, DeeDee Chu, swallowed, and dander lips with the goth pumpkin.

What I said:        saline poisoning

What it wrote:    Celine poisoning.

What I said:        clad in the spa’s signature white terrycloth robes.

What it wrote:    clad in the smallest signature quite hairy robes.

What I said:        Absently flipping through the rack

What it wrote:    Absolutely flipping through Iraq

What I said:        Did you say Moonflower?

What it wrote:    Just aim and fire

What I said:        The various locations

What it wrote:    And they are the Haitians

What I said:        Inhabiting the same space

What it wrote:    Inhabiting the same spaceship

What I said:        Marcus brought Beverly back to the room, saying, "Why don't you rest a bit.”

What it wrote:    Marcus brought Beverly back to the room, saying, "Why you arrested b*tch.”

What I said:        Greg reached out and placed a warm hand on Crystal’s shoulder.

What it wrote:    Greg reached out and placed a warm hand on pistols children.

What I said:        He grinned, twin dimples appearing in his cheeks.

What it wrote:    He grinned, twenty dimples appearing in his cheeks.

From The Amish Midwife:

What I said:        In a way that gives her a little bit of peace

What it wrote:    and away the kisser a little bit of peeps

From The Amish Seamstress:

What I said:        She took a package of stew meat from the refrigerator.

What it wrote:    She took a package astutely from the refrigerator.

What I said:        I moved toward the center of the large rectangle of grass.

What it wrote:    I moved toward the center of the large rectangle of breast.

From The Amish Blacksmith:

What I said:        I couldn’t wait to tell Natasha.

What it wrote:    I couldn’t wait to helm a tossup.

From The Amish Clockmaker:

What I said:        Miriam nodded, thoroughly engrossed in his tale.

What it wrote:    Miriam nodded, thoroughly engrossed in his tail.

What I said:        Hadn't he forsaken them?

What it wrote:    Having tea for Satan and them?

From My Sister's Prayer:

What I said:        Nana met my gaze.

What it wrote:    Nana met high gays.

What I said:        She had done plenty.

What it wrote:    She's a dumb Plenti.  (Question: What the heck is a “Plenti”?)

From My Daughter's Legacy:

What I said:        With Nana, you have to pick your battles.

What it wrote:    With bananas, you have to pick your battles.

I hope you’ve gotten a few laughs from these. I’ve saved my all-time favorite for last. It’s this one, from Beauty to Die For:

What I said:        Please, Lord, let that spa be any one except the Palm Grotto.

What it wrote:    Please, Lord, let that spawn beat anyone except the home depot.