Wednesday, July 19, 2017

What’s in a Word: Hilarious Voice Dictation Errors


Everyone’s had their share of funny results while using voice dictation, but I’ve been dictating my books for years—long before Siri was even born—and I’ve kept a running list of my favorites along the way. Today I thought I’d share some of them with you.  Enjoy! (But be forewarned, several are a bit racy…)



What I said:        We had dinner at the Full Moon Buffet.
What it wrote:    We had dinner at the phlegm buffet.



What I said:        Lydia and Gordon are in the barn.
What it wrote:    Chlamydia and gonorrhea in the barn.









What I said:        The sky was a beautiful shade of purple pink
What it wrote:    This guy was a beautiful shade of purple pink

What I said:        Is this the home of Ben Rogers?
What it wrote:    Is this the home of Bin Laden?

What I said:        I could hear the sound of Travis’s breathing.
What it wrote:    I could hear the sound of Travis breeding.

What I said:        Whether my veins were coursing with venom or not
What it wrote:    Whether my veins were coursing with Vietnam

What I said:        Suck out the venom, don’t suck out the venom
What it wrote:    Suck out with a numb, don’t suck up to them

What I said:        Chitimacha Indians
What it wrote:    Sh*t and watch the Indians

What I said:        Fifi
What it wrote:    see feet  (I kept trying and got:)
defeat
TV thief
the beef
be PPP
PPTP

What I said:        “What have you got there? Sazeracs?”
What it wrote:    “What you dare? the senator asked?”

What I said:        I spotted three Amish children.
What it wrote:    I spotted three ominous children.









What I said:        numerous disasters that had befallen her
What it wrote:    bloomer disasters that had befallen her


What I said:        He's been charged with Simple Assault.
What it wrote:    He's been charged with Simple Salt. 

What I said:        Why was this guy staring like that? She wondered if it had something to do with her or if it was...
What it wrote:    Why was this guy staring like that? She wondered if it had something to do with her orifice...

What I said:        Sliding the last bite of food into her mouth, Didi chewed, swallowed, and dabbed at her lips with the cloth napkin.
What it wrote:    Sliding the last bite for food Intermountain, DeeDee Chu, swallowed, and dander lips with the goth pumpkin.

What I said:        saline poisoning
What it wrote:    Celine poisoning.

What I said:        clad in the spa’s signature white terrycloth robes.
What it wrote:    clad in the smallest signature quite hairy robes.

What I said:        Absently flipping through the rack
What it wrote:    Absolutely flipping through Iraq

What I said:        Did you say Moonflower?
What it wrote:    Just aim and fire

What I said:        The various locations
What it wrote:    And they are the Haitians

What I said:        Inhabiting the same space
What it wrote:    Inhabiting the same spaceship

What I said:        Marcus brought Beverly back to the room, saying, "Why don't you rest a bit.”
What it wrote:    Marcus brought Beverly back to the room, saying, "Why you arrested b*tch.”

What I said:        Greg reached out and placed a warm hand on Crystal’s shoulder.
What it wrote:    Greg reached out and placed a warm hand on pistols children.

What I said:        He grinned, twin dimples appearing in his cheeks.
What it wrote:    He grinned, twenty dimples appearing in his cheeks.

What I said:        In a way that gives her a little bit of peace
What it wrote:    and away the kisser a little bit of peeps


What I said:        She took a package of stew meat from the refrigerator.
What it wrote:    She took a package astutely from the refrigerator.

What I said:        I moved toward the center of the large rectangle of grass.
What it wrote:    I moved toward the center of the large rectangle of breast.



What I said:        I couldn’t wait to tell Natasha.
What it wrote:    I couldn’t wait to helm a tossup.


What I said:        Miriam nodded, thoroughly engrossed in his tale.
What it wrote:    Miriam nodded, thoroughly engrossed in his tail.

What I said:        Hadn't he forsaken them?
What it wrote:    Having tea for Satan and them?


What I said:        Nana met my gaze.
What it wrote:    Nana met high gays.

What I said:        She had done plenty.
What it wrote:    She's a dumb Plenti.  (Question: What the heck is a “Plenti”?)




What I said:        With Nana, you have to pick your battles.
What it wrote:    With bananas, you have to pick your battles.









I hope you’ve gotten a few laughs from these. I’ve saved my all-time favorite for last. It’s this one, from Beauty to Die For:

What I said:        Please, Lord, let that spa be any one except the Palm Grotto.
What it wrote:    Please, Lord, let that spawn beat anyone except the home depot.



Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Author Party and Visa Cash Card Giveaway!



Mark your calendar! On August 1, Leslie Gould and I will be hosting an Author Chat Party on Facebook. We'll be answering questions about My Daughter's Legacy, giving away prizes, announcing the winner of a $75 Visa cash card, and more.

Here's what you need to do:

- Enter to win the $75 Visa cash card by clicking here and following the instructions.

- RSVP to the party by visiting the Facebook event page and clicking "Going."

- Attend the party by participating in the fun on the event page on August 1 at 8pm Eastern/5pm Pacific.

We'll announce the Visa cash card winner during the event, so be sure to be present!

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

July 2017 New Releases in Christian Fiction

If you follow me on Facebook, you'll know that I've been talking a lot about my recent book release, My Daughter's Legacy—I'm just so excited for this last installment in my Cousins of the Dove series! If you'd like to see what else releases this month, here's a quick run-down:


Contemporary Romance:

On Love's Gentle Shore by Liz Johnson -- When Natalie O’Ryan’s fiancé books their wedding in her hometown, Natalie didn’t know the only reception venue available would be an old barn belonging to Justin Kane--the best friend she left behind all those years ago after promising to stay. As they work together to get the dilapidated building ready for the party, Natalie and Justin discover the groundwork for forgiveness--and that there may be more than an old friendship between them. (Contemporary Romance from Revell - A Division of Baker Publishing Group)


Their Ranch Reunion by Mindy Obenhaus -- Single mom Carly Wagner is surprised to learn she'll have to share ownership of the home she's inherited with her first love—and first heartbreak—Andrew Stephens. The man who fled their tiny Western town is back and standing in the way of her dreams to expand her B and B. Now a successful businessman, Andrew has eight weeks to buy Carly out. But Carly's too stubborn to persuade—and too beautiful to ignore. When fire ravages her inn and she and her daughter move in to their shared property, Andrew's in over his head. Time is running out and Andrew must decide: leave and chase another deal...or stay and chase Carly's heart. (Contemporary Romance from Love Inspired [Harlequin])


Time and Tide by Kristen Terrette -- Recovering from addiction and a near death experience, Chad moves to Moanna Island, a small island close to Savannah off the Atlantic coast, to begin a job with his family’s real estate empire, a job he was supposed to have taken years ago. Free-spirited Ryan Mason is a Moanna local girl from a blue-collar family. She’s dropped her own dreams to help her father care for her schizophrenic brother. When Chad and Ryan meet at the rehabilitation center where her brother lives, feelings develop between them. Can their crazy worlds ever fit together once he learns her secret and she finds out he is the sole heir to the Cusher Empire? (Contemporary from Hartwood Publishing Group)

Just Look Up by Courtney Walsh -- When a workaholic interior designer returns to her hometown to check on her brother’s welfare, she reconnects with a soldier, secretly in love with her, over a renovation project that will help the struggling town. (Contemporary Romance from Tyndale House)




Cozy Mystery:

A Tempting Taste of Mystery by Elizabeth Ludwig -- Judging a pie contest leads Cheryl Cooper and friends into mayhem and mystery after someone begins methodically sabotaging the entries. (Cozy Mystery from Guideposts Publications)

Over Maya Dead Body by Sandra Orchard -- FBI Special Agent Serena Jones arrives on Martha's Vineyard with her family, ready for a little bit of R&R and a whole lot of reminiscing as they celebrate the engagement of an old family friend. But crime doesn't take a vacation, and she's soon entangled in an investigation of a suspicious death tied to an antiquities smuggling ring.When her investigation propels her into danger, Serena must stay the course and solve this case before anyone else dies. But just how is she supposed to do that when the two men in her life arrive on the scene, bringing with them plenty of romantic complications--and even a secret or two? (Cozy Mystery from Revell [Baker])


Historical Romance:

The American Conquest by Jenna Brandt -- Margaret must leave behind her title and wealth in Europe in order to escape and start a new life in the Colorado Territory. (Historical Romance, Independently Published)

Of Rags and Riches Romance Collection: Nine Stories of Poverty and Opulence During the Gilded Age by Susanne Dietze, Michelle Griep, Anne Love, Gabrielle Meyer, Natalie Monk, Jennifer Uhlarik, Erica Vetsch, Jaime Jo Wright, and Kathleen Y'Barbo -- Journey along in nine historical romances with those whose lives are transformed by the opulence, growth, and great changes taking place in America’s Gilded Age. Nine couples meet during these exhilarating times and work to build a future together through fighting for social reform, celebrating new opportunities for leisure activities, taking advantage of economic growth and new inventions, and more. Watch as these romances develop and legacies of faith and love are formed. (Historical Romance from Barbour Publishing)

A Rebel in My House by Sandra Merville Hart -- Promises can be impossible to keep--especially when a Confederate soldier trapped behind enemy lines looks to a Gettysburg seamstress for help. (Historical Romance from Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas)

A Match for Melissa by Susan Karsten -- Wanting a godly husband, Melissa's only choice is to follow her father's wishes, even when doing so may not achieve the desires of her heart. (Historical Romance from Prism Book Group [Pelican]).

My Heart Belongs on Mackinac Island by Carrie Fancett Pagels -- Moor your heart on Mackinac Island along with resident sweetheart Maude Welling, an heiress trying to prove her worth by working incognito as a maid at the Grand Hotel. Meet Ben Steffans, a journalist posing as a wealthy industrialist who has come to the island to uncover a story about impoverished men pursuing heiresses at the famed hotel. Will a growing love between Maude and Ben be scuttled when truths are revealed in this Gilded Age romance? (Historical Romance from Barbour Publishing)

Salvation by the Sea by Kristen Reed -- Life has been anything but easy for Muirigan thanks to a series of life-altering calamities, but she's found peace with her new, understated life by the sea. However, the maid's past comes back to haunt her when she saves the shipwrecked Prince Halvard one morning. Failing to recognize one of his dearest childhood friends, the prince invites Muirigan to live at court as a reward for her valiant heroism. As the two reconnect, something deeper than friendship blossoms, but will their newfound affection survive when Muirigan’s lies are revealed and Halvard learns the truth about what has befallen since their tragic separation? (Historical Romance, Independently Published)


Romantic Suspense:

Beneath Copper Falls by Colleen Coble -- As a 911 dispatcher, Dana Newell takes pride in being calm in tough circumstances. In addition to her emotionally-charged career, she’s faced enough emergencies in her own life. She recently escaped her abusive fiancé to move to tranquil Rock Harbor where she hopes life will be more peaceful. But the idyllic town hides more danger and secrets than it first appeared. Dana is continually drawn to her new friend Boone, who has scars inside and out. Then she answers a call at her job only to hear a friend’s desperate screams on the other end. Soon the pain in her past collides with the mysteries of her new home—and threatens to keep her from the future she’s always wanted. (Romantic Suspense from HarperCollins Christian Publishing [Thomas Nelson and Zondervan])


Speculative:

The Genesis Tree by Heather L.L. FitzGerald -- Deception is rampant, the enemy is subtle, and love dares to tug at Sadie’s heart amid the turmoil that forces her and her family back to the Tethered World below. (Speculative/Contemporary Fantasy from Mountain Brook Ink)